I've just returned from an exhausting trip visiting various relatives up north. The particular trip, which was well wanted, ended up testing my endurance, patience, and consistency.
Will I be able to endure the uncomfortable situation of living 5-7 days in a 1 room apartment with an deteriorating elder, the stranger that now lives in this room to take care of the elder and my overbearing mother (our relationship is currently in rehab- this is a good first step, by the way) while spending the nights half extended on a lazy boy chair or twin blow up bed shared with my mother in a swollen with heat room?
Will I have the patience to have patience with my mother who enjoys sharing everything that comes to her mind whether it interrupts my sentence, thought, or tv show; who finds it necessary to request my assistance with lifting or bringing something to her that is usually within an extended hand reach of her arm; who also has the tendency to talk about my personal life with anyone willing or unwilling to listen; who farts constantly at night, and unapologetic sporadically in the day?
Will I be consistent with my study and meditation of God's word while on vacation, which is in my opinion the truest test of my new-found dedication to study of the word and a test of my beliefs (making my hearing and doing)?
I will say I endured. I will say I exceeded my patience. I will say I failed with consistency. However, something new about my failure in this situation with my strive to become closer to the Lord, is that I did not let the guilt of that eat me alive. Instead, it seemed to only shed some light on some growth. It seemed to only enhance my visual of the reality of my study of the word, the reality of the action of my so-called dedication and revealed that I'm still growing and can/should continue to improve. As usual, I still went to church on vacation- this is the norm for me, but it seems that even with eating practices (I'm striving to be more nutritionally aware and decisive about certain habits) when I am on vacation, I seem to be on vacation from EVERYTHING. Which means, the life I live, or strive to live on a daily, is just that, a life I'm trying to live, not yet a lifestyle, not yet the norm.
Some other things were revealed to me upon my trip and my return, like: How spoiled I am to have a 3 bedroom 2 bath house to live in, my own bathroom, technically 2 beds in my own room, having my own room, air conditioning, suitcases filled with clothes and still a closet full at home, items and accessories to keep my hair and skin healthy or shiny or looking in a manner I like and etc. Gd has spoiled me, I am His daughter and man does it feel good to be spoiled by Him. Thank you Father.
Upon my joy-filled arrival to my own home, room, beds, pillows, I opened my Bible and picked up when I left off. I'm currently trying to write down and categorize versus that standout to me that deal with situations or questions I've had. Today, I came across Isaiah 28:16. In the latter portion on that verse, Isaiah quotes "Those who trust do not panic". I stopped there, found a notecard, wrote the verse down and on the other side of the card wrote in big letters Worry. It's been going on for a year and a half now that I've had a spirit of anxiety, fear, worry and panic on my mind and heart. Beside acne spreading, I also ended up having migraines (1st in my entire life) that when moved to the center of my head, caused me to faint. Then, my heart sped up so fast, that one could not only see my chest moving from above my shirt, but I ended up going to the hospital and being put under. What makes matters worse, is that I did not know how to deal with this spirit because, well, fear is new for me. Not to say that I've never feared anything, or I've never been afraid, but I've never been fearful of life. Concerns of family expectations, my church-life obligations, personal aspirations, financial dependency, physical failures, social barrenness (when I mean social barrenness, I mean the realization that I'm probably not going to be married with kids by age 27). And to top it all, I always said, well, as long as I'm right with the Lord and I'm doing His work, all is well and for the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't right with the Lord, and I was stagnant in doing His work. I don't know how many times I prayed James 1:19-25 "be doers and not merely hearers". I even lost sleep over "loosing my saltiness"(Matthew 5:13-15) and being like eliminated from earth. I began to remember all the scriptures that not only called us to action, but specifically the ones that kinda damned us if we don't. Vain, don't let my life be in vain Lord. I settled on, for the first time in reality, simply at least having the hopes of dying for Gd in some sort of martyrdom. (I say for the first time in reality because the running joke of my unit family is, I was born to be martyred.) I'd forgotten all the messages of love and peace and of a forgiving Gd. Now, this spirit of fear has finally begun to dissipate, but I still need to continue to fight, to load up on ammo because I know and the average Christian should know that fear is not of Gd: Matthew 6:27 -why worry? does it bring forth anything; 2 Timothy 1:7- for God did not give us a spirit of fear... But with all of those, something just wasn't clicking until today. That verse in Isaiah truly let me know what I was dealing with, "those who trust do not panic"; I'm having a trust issue, not a fear, anxiety or panic issue, but trust. This left me with several questions because taken out of context one could say they trust, but still panic leaving ME with the question, well, who is it Lisa, who you've been trusting? Have you been trusting your friend? your relative? your job, insurance? or have you been trusting your skills? your talents? your diploma? you, Lisa? AND if I have been trusting those things, then of course I feel panicked or worried because friends die, insurance is merely a scheme, your skills deteriorate without practice, diplomas burn and you Lisa...you know nothing. I am having a trust issue. I should be placing my trust on the eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving; that is God. My Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Because as Isaiah says, those who trust do not panic. those who trust. they do not panic.
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