Who Are You?

Since I've made my big move, physically and spiritually (December 27th is when big move began), the Lord has been working on me in claiming my identity. Generally, isn't that what we all, at least in America, go through? Asking, "who am I? or even deciding, "who do I want to be?" I know in several classes, I've had to, by positive means, create a collage of either all the things that make me, me OR create a collage of all the people I would like to model myself after, be mentored by or who I look up. In the "who I would like to be" collages, I've seen fellow students choose Oprah Winfrey or more recently President Barack Obama.

I feel so much now within the last five years that there is a constant shift, constant change, constant confusion in solidifying our identity. As soon as we have selected a few values, confusion comes, and they change. As soon as we decided 2 nevers, a situation arises in which never becomes "only in this situation". Even those of us who have a strong sense of identity, end up making that strong sense more of guidelines to revert back to if everything falls apart; that strong sense of identity then becomes a list of morals or family values we were raised with and revert back to as "what we were raised with" or "how we were raised" not at all referring to them as how we live today. This strong sense of identity and list of morals becomes exactly that, a list we give people in class, in a 10 minute meet and greet time of an ice breaker at whatever function we're involved in. 

What is our identity?

The Lord has put me in a place, in a situation, where it's only me and Him (it's interesting, I was thinking about joining a convent, seminary or even Buddhist retreat to just sit in silence and strive to hear Him think) and since He's brought me here, He's been answering this question, all of my questions. The answers and strategies to the answers are not what I was expecting, they are, like Gd, better than all of that.

When I asked, who am I? He asked, Who am I?

Did you get that? In order to understand who I am, He suggested I understand who He is. 

Now, one may think it's strange to ask oneself who Gd is. Gd is Gd, done. Besides, why should I relate myself to Gd? Well, when explaining to others our morals, values and how we were raised, it all stems from our parents, no? We spend more or less 16 to 18 years of our lives really getting to know our parents by how we are obedient to them, how we help them, how we spend time with them and their parents, and cousins, and festivals, and customs, and arguments. But, do we know the one who created our parents? who created us?

When we ask, or at least when I asked, "who am I" and wanted to know, to be able to hold fast to my identity, I was at the point where I realized I was asking for more than am I am hipster? I wanted more than: am I a southern gal, or a northern yankee, am I a girly girl, am I an art kid, am I Jewish, am I gay, am I a feminist, am I fat, am I Black, am I American? I wanted to know what makes me, me, internally, the parts I can't see. The parts beyond the double ear piercings, beyond the scruffy Chuck Taylors, beyond the Hot Topic shirt, beyond the knitted scarf, beyond the skirt, beyond height and thick thighs.

 I wanted to know what is it, about my identity, that makes me laugh hysterically when my car breaks down in the middle of the highway with a dead cell phone and no one knowing where I am? What is it about my identity that I cry when others are hurting, but not necessarily when I hurt. What is it about my identity that throughout all the abuse, pain, sleep disorders, eating disorders, confusion, I still remain. I still stand. I... still... remain. Why? Why Lord? What is it about me that I survived, that I thrived even? The Lord responded, "What you mean to say, Lisa, is, what is it about Me." 

When I tutored pre-school. Some of the children would come up to me holding out their latest drawing or finger portraits. I would ohh and ahh...and eventually ask the question, "what is it?" Are we not to ask the maker of the artwork, what it is? Who better to ask what the product is and how it functions than the person who made it?! 

So, when I finally asked Gd, what is my identity? I believed He smiled and cheered saying, "Finally, you've decided to ask your creator, finally, you've decided to stop asking other humans, and defining yourself by what you're not, or categorizing yourself by their titles and subtitles. Finally, my little daughter Lisa, you've decided to ask your Dad. your Maker. your Creator, your true Father. YOU GO GIRL!"

And boy, did He answer. He is still answering, and it's AWESOME!!!

He suggested I read Genesis. Yep, the very 1st book. Initially, I thought it was elementary, but that's exactly what I needed. I'd forgotten the base, the root, of who Gd is and how He sees me as mankind and as a woman. So much clutter of the world was in my mind, tainting my view of Gd, tainting who Gd told me He was wayyy back when in Sunday School. Reading Genesis, has been quite empowering, more empowering and for some reason even more honest than my reading of all the other books. Maybe it's just the timing and Gd knowing the exact antidote for my wound/poison that was put in me. Reading Genesis has brought such love of Gd and such confidence our relationship.

It is as of December 27, 2012 that I was touched by the Holy Spirit. No, I didn't even know to call it the Holy Spirit, I just knew some weird stuff was happening: winds surrounding me, then sudden and complete peace was coming over me. The complete physical move on January 17, 2013 brought about daily events that led me to be baptized, again, then baptized in the Holy Spirit, and renounce a plethora of things brought on by generational curses/sin resulting in iniquities. I'm explaining or sharing this to relay that even in my writings, there may be an obvious change of tone and view from the things prior to December 27 and onward. 

May it all bring glory to the Lord. Amen.